Tainted Love

 

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Yes, he still loves her
Yes, he still cares about her.
Yes, he still thinks about her.
And yes, he knows he can’t have her.

 

He made one mistake that changed things.The days where the sun was shining bright his world was bleak.The pain on his chest was too heavy to breath.He was trying to remember all the feelings lost somewhere in his world of chaos.There were days when he thought about a time when they would’ve been happy with what they were,if only that one mistake was never made.

 

He wished if only he could turn back time to make things right.So that they could laugh and talk again the way they used too.So they could come up with new inside jokes together and create new memories.But the reality is different now.They are standing on different mountains fighting the same battle alone.

 

First love can never be forgotten so how could he? He keeps lying to his heart.He can’t stop the feelings that he has for her.His heart knows the truth all too well.It was never intended to be like this,the sleepless nights and restless days.Her presence still comforts him.Her smile is what makes his day.He can’t escape he can’t leave the feelings behind.

 

He sat on his favorite spot near the window.Where he would spend hours talking to her.This was a time when he realized the importance of moments.When  he thought moments weren’t necessary until they were needed.He had nothing but this emptiness in his heart.He dwells in darkness having nothing to lose this time.He thought about ending things but that family photo hanging on the wall stopped him.

 

Life has its own way of working.The light shines to guide you when you least expect it.If love destroys you then it also saves you.It’s just matter of time you get to learn how to survive when you think you can’t. What’s done is done and past is past.You can’t blame yourself  because it’s okay to make mistakes.It’s not how we make mistakes,but how we correct them that define us.

 

Moving on is difficult and when we talk about love it’s even harder.But the only way to let go and move on is to let it all flow.Let the memories cleanse you and heal you rather than haunt you.Because memories are not made to remorse.You have to get out there open up, live and learn,make mistakes, be stronger and start all over again.

 

 

Honest feelings and bad timings make the most painful combination.

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Dear Diary

 

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I sit alone with my diary
He is on every part of my story.
I saw him with a girl
he was talking to her with lot of interest
I envy her cause she’s has his attention
I admit she is beautiful and lucky
Cause just look at her and me.
Do I really need to mention?
my heart beats 10 times faster
There is nothing subtle here
I love to welcome this sweet disaster.
I wonder if he knows that
he’s all I think about at night.
He is the only one I see in crowded streets
There is no way to make things right in my head.

 

I sit here alone writing a part of my story
Suddenly I feel the teardrops on my diary
With a weary voice, my heart replies
With every dream,my future dies.
This love story will not end the same.

Every tear I shed in his name
I realize how he is so far away
Without him life turns from red to grey.

A girl without a name #2

 

 

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What do you do when all your hope is gone and you are left with nothing?
When everything stops in you and pain gets unbearable.When falling apart is the only option.When everything seems absurd and it all hurts.Tell me what do you do?

I’m drowning in nothingness.I feel like that futile thing people throw when they are done taking advantage of it. I’ve no more strength to hold on.It’s getting harder and harder every passing day.

I was walking on the pavement.The streets were empty.The sky was still dark after the heavy rain.The cold breeze was blowing straight on my face.The ground glowed neon in the streetlights.I was walking with a mind with no destination.Everything was quiet just like the silence after the storm.I was alone and anticipated.

That day everything happened in a fraction of time.I saw big flashlights from afar and heard the sound of a loud thud.Nothing was a coincidence. Everything I was experiencing was meant to happen exactly how it was happening.The road was slippery because of the rain.The driver could do nothing about it.The sliver truck loosed it’s balance.The driver tried to turn the wheel but nothing happened. The truck swerved on to the pavement on which I was.I heard the sickening sound of shattering glass and twisting metal.I didn’t have enough time to act.Maybe everything was meant to be this way.

I remembered those jovial days when everything was bright.I had everything I wanted.Family and friends,laughter and peace.But as I grew up everything changed.People changed,I changed.I was tired of having to give up the only things in life I wanted.And it was then, I realized that you must kill a part of yourself to stay alive.I wish I didn’t have to give my love to all those people who didn’t deserve it.

I couldn’t move because it hurt.I was badly bleeding and a part of me knew that no one was coming to save me.I just laid there thinking how I stumbled off the lane.The night seemed darker than ever,moonless and silent.I felt the sense of fear,joy and grief all at once.Grief,shock,it affects people in strange ways.And in that moment you want to feel something-anything other than sadness.My vision started to blur I reluctantly blinked.In that very moment I finally saw my world falling apart and this time I had no courage to try to gather the mess.

I tried to breathe suck in all the air my lungs could carry and yet I felt empty.Not only my body but my soul was giving up too.My heart and mind collapsed,shutting all the emotions and feelings.How badly I need it all to stop abruptly.Every last inch of hope draining away.Lost in oblivion.Dark and silent, I  found my freedom as I took my last breath.

 

We all have a story to tell…

 

The first article has nothing to do with this one.But still if you haven’t read here is the link https://jamilamurtaza6.wordpress.com/2017/07/09/a-girl-without-a-name

 

Rock Bottom

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I’ve my memories on remind
I can’t bare the thoughts my mind
is throwing, stealing peace of mind.
I take a step and instantly I take it back
My life is under attack
the vultures circling around my walls
they keep shooting the bullets
and my wall falls.

I hit rock bottom
some bullets, I’m glad I got ’em
I just want to end it
this war is tempted to throttle me
the world is collapsing beneath my feet
But I know and I believe
that the only person
who can get me back on the surface
is myself.

 

Rock Bottom Has Built More Heroes Than Privilege.

 

The Unspoken Truth

 

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Some things are left unsaid and some feelings leave us in oblivion.It’s
time to talk about the unspoken,the little things that we need to comprehend because little things matter.They affect a person’s life.

 

The idea of writing this article came to me when I read the book named ’13 reasons why.’ I’m sure you all have heard about it.Some of you might have read it too and if you haven’t I highly recommend that you read it.13 reasons why is something really close to my heart.It made me change the way I look at certain things.Now that it is also turned into a series,it brought the story more to life.Honestly reading it or even watching is very sad and depressing.It made me feel some feelings I never felt before.It was sort of uncomfortable feelings you feel but it speaks the truth.

 

Reading 13 reasons why I realized how every feeling is important that it should be respected.If you can’t help others then at least don’t make it harder for them.There’s a reason that we’re told not to judge anyone,not to play with someone’s feelings,not to cross the limits,not to believe in absurd rumors until you are fully confident about it.

 

This book made me realized that there are lots of Hannah’s (the main character from the book who committed suicide.They treated her in a way like she was worthless when they didn’t even know her.) going through lots of problems that we don’t even know about.Instead of helping them we’re making harder for them to survive,stealing hopes instead of giving them.I really hope that we realize soon that we are all humans and we deserve to be treated right.

 

 

It’s important to treat others right.Treat them with kindness you would never know but it could save a life.Also it’s important to be aware of our actions,aware of the words we are saying.It’s impossible to know what’s going on in someone’s life and how we might be adding to his/her pain.

 

How many suicides does it take for people to realize the shit they say
hurts?

 

Watch or read ’13 Reasons Why’ and you’ll see how something so little you say to someone can ruin them.Be kind.Be open.Be a friend.

 

 

Message someone you love and appreciate them today.You may end up saving a life,and all it took was a text and two minutes of your time.

Crying On the Bathroom Floor

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We just walk through the night
Everything is so bright
Can’t see the dance floor
It’s wall to wall people dancing
To the music we go crazy
And things seem so hazy.
I saw you there and I broke down.
You’re cold as ice but it feels like fire
Even when you hurt me I go higher
And I go round and round
finding a corner
to gain back my composure.
I can’t get what my heart desires
My body is burning on fire.
My mind is in a great war
 I’m crying on the bathroom floor.
These walls suffocating me
My eyes become so blurry
why these voices suddenly become so dreary?

 

As I fall on the floor crying
I think about us once smiling,
Now you have left me with heartbreak
I lose all control and my body aches. 
I’m no more crying on the bathroom floor,
I’m walking towards the door,
I’m moving forward
I’ve been enough tortured.

 

I once missed the chance to live
thinking you’re everything I ever need
But I was wrong
Now I’m living with every beat!

When I’m Gone.

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When my journey comes to an end
And I travel my last blissful mile
Just don’t miss me so much friend
Just forget if you can,that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile.

 

Forget all those harsh words I had spoken
Remember some good deeds I had done
Forget that I ever had a heartache
And remember I had loads of fun.

 

Forget I ever stumbled and fall
Just remember I always was strong
And remember I fought
Some hard battles and won
And I was my own fight song.

 

You will find me in those winds
In the calmness of the night
In those flickering street lights
I’ll be in twinkle of the stars
And I’ll be the music playing through guitars.

 

Always try to hear those whispers
I would be there guiding you
If you ever get lost along the way
I’ll be there as the sun’s ray
I’ll be there dancing in chilly winds in winter.

 

And do come to meet me
When the sun would paint the sky
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best.

Cracks

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Life is demanding and exhausting.It makes us complicated and outrageous. Sometimes life is like a battlefield with only tears and woes with no cheers.But that doesn’t mean that you can close your eyes and just ignore it.You get up and face it or else lose it.

 

Things happen___ people leave us, we lose them through the years as we grow.We feel unwanted sometimes like the world has simply abandoned us.We feel broken and then we lose ourselves in chaos.We fail and it hurts so much.And then the broken starts to crack open,it becomes inevitable.

 

It’s important for the cracks to be fully open so that we can finally fall apart.So the light can get through the cracks.So that we could perceive the truth.So we could start again.When you heal you reach out to gave that light to others.So you can irradiate through the cracks.So that everyone can foresee their way and kindle hope to live and start again.

 

Just like your light dims, it will shine.
Just like you broke, you will heal.
_Najwa Zebian

Best Friends Who Heal Our Broken Hearts.

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I would never have survived without them,my best friends.They gave me a reason to live.Some days I just live for them.I love to see them smile.I simply adore them.Everyday they give me so many reasons to love them more and more.In fact,our love grows everyday and the bond gets stronger with time.I am thankful to God who have blessed me with wonderful human beings. I’ve never taken them for granted and I never will.

 

Thank you for listening to my pointless talks.For always asking if I’m okay and for wiping my tears off when I was breaking down.

 

Thank you for holding tight when I was shattered into million pieces.For telling me that I’m special and beautiful.That I deserve more and that I’m loved.

 

Thank you for helping me to find the lost broken pieces.For gathering me back together when I was all over the place.Thank you for holding my hand and letting me know that you were always there.

 

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Thank you for guiding me when I was lost.Thank you for healing my broken heart.Thank you for reminding me that even though some people will break my heart, but you will always be there to make me believe in good again, to make me believe in love again.

 

Thank you for that time when I was weary and you gave me that silence and peace that I wanted.Those tight hugs that made me feel alive and strong.Without you I wouldn’t have survived,I would’ve stayed dejected and damaged.

 

Thank you for staying in a world where everybody leaved.
Thank you for all the laughs that made us tripping over each other.
Thank you for being my lighthouse,my home.Without you I wouldn’t have seen the light.Without you I’d be nowhere.

 

Thank you for loving me loudly and openly.Thank you for all the prayers and the good wishes.Most significantly, thank you for trying to fix me even when you were broken.All those times when I made you angry or hurt you unintentionally,I’m sorry.You people showed me that some hearts will love me and will not break me.Thank you for never giving up on me.

 

Thank you for always loving me no matter what.Thank you for always protecting me and not leaving me alone.You make me believe in hope and love and everything good that exits.Most of all, you make me believe in kindness and humanity.Thank you for showing me the meaning of true friendship,guidance and affection.

 

Thank you to all the amazing people for being my sunlight.I love you and I will love you for the rest of my life.

Here’s to the nights that turned into mornings with the friends that turned into family.

Broken Connects the Broken.

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I’m not the only one.The beauty of brokenness cannot be elucidate. Everyone has been broken at some part.A part where they heard the voice of their heart breaking.

I’ve always been attracted to the broken.We are not strangers because we are all broken and that’s enough to connect,to share the feelings we feel.I’m not saying that I can fix you.No,I can’t.I can’t even fix myself.But maybe our hearts become a little lighter when we have someone to talk.Been broken does not mean you have a broken life.Broken is kinda beautiful.You learn,you heal and you’re brave enough to hear your heart’s wisdom through it.There’s a beauty in healing.Healing is grace.

We are not strangers because we know what anguish feels like,what crashing down in agony feels like.How it feels to sleep with a broken heart.How it feels when tears can’t stop and we can’t breathe.We know how to fake a smile and deceive others.Because that’s what me do,what I do.What survivors do.

We are all wonderful,beautiful wrecks.That’s what connects us— that we are all broken,all imperfect.Damaged people trying to heal each other is a connection of love and care.

 

God chooses broken people like you and me to rescue broken people like you and me.